How to not lose weight fast

I've formulated a 5-step plan to a svelte-er me.  Here it is:

Instructions:

Do each of the following steps for 2 weeks. Start with step 1, then add step 2, and so on.

The Steps:

1. Drink 8 glasses of water or more each day.
   
2. Eat 3 servings of fruit each day.
   
3. Eat 3 servings of green veggies each day.
   
4. Eat lean protein at 2-3 meals each day.
   
5. Exercise for at least 30 minutes at least 3 times per week.
   

My thinking is that I've failed miserably with anything that requires me to:

1. remove foods from my diet
   
2. restrict foods in my diet
   
3. eat only certain foods
   
4. eat prepackaged foods
   
5. eat foods at certain times of the day
   

So I will focus on adding goodness. And that goodness will live in harmony with my quarter pounders with cheese.

2 weeks. 2 years. What's the difference?

I posted to my blog 4 times and then a 2 year lapse.  That's officially pathetic. 

Here's what has happened since then:

My daughter, Sohpie, became 3 and a half.

I had another baby, Ava, who is 5 months old.

I got fatter.

I am really fat this time.  I've achieved lard ass/fup status.  It's because I'm busy.  I'm stressed.  I love to cook and eat out.  It's not a good combo.  

I have this thought at least 300,000 times a day (and I'm sure there are millions of women having the exact same thought), "Why is it that I can be a successful mother, wife and business woman, but I can't manage to drop a few dress sizes?" No really?  Why?

I want pharmaceuticals.  When my mother had her kids, my grandfather, a doctor, prescribed speed and she lost all the weight.  I'm not joking.  I want drugs. I won't take them forever, just long enough to lose 40 lbs.  And I don't want Alli.  I prefer drugs of the non-anal-leakage variety.