Barbie and the Diamond Castle (aka: Not a post about Barak Obama)

Obama? Yer mama!

Actually, like Colin Powell, I cried. I'm glad and I think he'll do a good job. That's that.

In other news, Sophie is obsessed with Barbie and the Diamond Castle. She's singing the words to the theme song outside our office door as I write...

"If I could wish for one thing, it'd be the smile that you bring..."

This is one of those "all things" movies. The development team sat down and said, "What are all of things that little girls like and how can we fit them into one movie?" The answer? Singing, guitar-playing best friends, a princess, twin brothers, a puppy named Sparkles and, yes, a diamond castle.

It's a turd, much like the turd I found on the carpet last week. (When I asked Sophie about the turd, she told me not to worry because she'd gotten it out of her pants herself.)

I know that everyone says it goes too fast and that there will come a time when I miss their baby and preschooler days, but hear me now, I will not miss turds on my carpet. I will also not miss Barbie and the Diamond Castle.

How to not lose weight fast

I've formulated a 5-step plan to a svelte-er me.  Here it is:

Instructions:

Do each of the following steps for 2 weeks. Start with step 1, then add step 2, and so on.

The Steps:

1. Drink 8 glasses of water or more each day.
   
2. Eat 3 servings of fruit each day.
   
3. Eat 3 servings of green veggies each day.
   
4. Eat lean protein at 2-3 meals each day.
   
5. Exercise for at least 30 minutes at least 3 times per week.
   

My thinking is that I've failed miserably with anything that requires me to:

1. remove foods from my diet
   
2. restrict foods in my diet
   
3. eat only certain foods
   
4. eat prepackaged foods
   
5. eat foods at certain times of the day
   

So I will focus on adding goodness. And that goodness will live in harmony with my quarter pounders with cheese.

2 weeks. 2 years. What's the difference?

I posted to my blog 4 times and then a 2 year lapse.  That's officially pathetic. 

Here's what has happened since then:

My daughter, Sohpie, became 3 and a half.

I had another baby, Ava, who is 5 months old.

I got fatter.

I am really fat this time.  I've achieved lard ass/fup status.  It's because I'm busy.  I'm stressed.  I love to cook and eat out.  It's not a good combo.  

I have this thought at least 300,000 times a day (and I'm sure there are millions of women having the exact same thought), "Why is it that I can be a successful mother, wife and business woman, but I can't manage to drop a few dress sizes?" No really?  Why?

I want pharmaceuticals.  When my mother had her kids, my grandfather, a doctor, prescribed speed and she lost all the weight.  I'm not joking.  I want drugs. I won't take them forever, just long enough to lose 40 lbs.  And I don't want Alli.  I prefer drugs of the non-anal-leakage variety.

i'm lame

Oh man. I am so lame. I had a blog for 2 days and couldn't stick with it. But this is the new me. I am committed to blogging. BLOGGER POWER!

my spam

I got some good spam today...

This one was from "Gomez":
Subject: I am really happy I got this nice thing on-line!
Turns out that Gomez got Viagra. That is nice. It's nice for his lady friend, and I thought that his subject line was very civilized. Usually Viagra spam looks like this...

Subject: Re: VnIAGRnA yomeq
This one was from Korey Balcom. The "Re:" is a trick. As if to suggest that I sent him an email entitled "VnIAGRnA yomeq" and he was writing me back. Yomeq, my friends!

I also got two hot stock tips with the following subject lines:

Subject: Lord
from "Animal Crossing" (also the title of a Nintendo game that my husband likes)

and

Subject: Your health, monkey-faced
from Garth Garrison, who is obviously insensitive to the fact that I'm both feeling insecure about my appearance and trying to find the right anti-depressant. Thanks a lot, Garth.

(I'm posting twice in one day! It's that beginning-of-the-diet enthusiasm. Rest assured, it will wane within two weeks.)

no depth perception

Today I ate three graham crackers with peanut butter and some reduced fat cottage cheese. Just kidding. I'm not going to talk about what I eat. Suffice it to say, I eat food. Usually a lot of it. What I am going to do is weigh myself every Monday. So my first "weigh in", as they like to say at Weight Watchers, is this coming Monday. And that is when I will face the horror. (For the blogging record, I predict that I weigh 162lbs.) For now, ignorance is bliss.

Actually, there's not a lot of bliss in our household these days. Sophie, our 1-year-old daughter, is teething like a mofo. We call her the Miserable Wretch. No amount of baby Tylenol or gum rub seems to help. I wish she had a morphine drip. I wish we all had one.

This morning I took her to the playground around the corner from our house and that took her mind off of it for a while. Things went south when I carried her to the top of the wooden jungle gym and watched as she tried to walk off of the edge. I was holding her hand--no need to alert child services--but I was freaked out all the same. Apparently she has no depth perception.

I removed her from the jungle gym and she screamed all the way home. This, coupled with the fact that I'm fat, makes me sad.

i am not so skinny

I lied. But I'm not so fat either. I used to be skinnier, but then I had a baby and she made me fat. Now she prefers my husband to me and it doesn't seem right. I hope she inherits my fat gene.

I would say that I'm on a diet, but I'm not. I've given up my diet habit. I'm making a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I am going to EAT IN MODERATION. I'm going to exercise not to lose weight, but to FEEL GOOD. My focus is not going to be on my dress size, but on my HEALTH.

I will be doing none of those things. I'm on a diet. I am focused on losing 20 pounds before my 35th birthday--9 short weeks away. My goal is to do the absolute least that I can possibly do to get there. I want to exercise as little as I have to. I want to eat as much as I can, and I want to give up very little, if possible.

This will be a record of my success or failure.